Tales of Babysitting Uchiha Itachi
by PyrothTenka
Summary: Or: Why you should never leave Uzumaki Kushina alone with little prodigy ninjas. Series of drabbles. (Rated T because violence is just a part of writing ninjas.)
1. Dodge Shuriken

**A/N:** Wouldn't leave my brain alone. Now it can infect you too! Love, Py.

**Episode One: Dodge Shuriken**

Itachi's Age: 4

"Uzumaki Kushina! Just _what_ do you think you're doing?!"

Kushina froze mid-motion as she turned to blink owlishly at her usually quiet and reserved friend turned enraged-bear and was currently glaring fiercely in her direction. The redhead looked up at the shuriken in her raise hand, poised to throw, then down at the expressionless four year old in front of her crouched and ready to evade. "Oh, hi, Mikoto. It's... not what it looks like?"

"Are you using my _son_ for target practice?!"

Kushina opened her mouth to deny it, but then stopped, realizing she couldn't. She hesitantly answered instead, "Uh... yeeeees?"

She immediately quelled under the flood of killing intent coming off of her friend and soon-to-be murderer. "He told me to do it!" she defended, pointing at the small brunette that was standing up out of his crouch, his face as blank as always.

His mother turned her scowl on him and he blinked. The only sign of uncertainty he showed, but that he showed any meant a lot. "Uchiha Itachi, is this true?!"

"Yes, Mother. Father said I should work on my dodging. I asked Uzumaki-san to assist."

"Hey! Stop calling me Uzumaki-san! I keep telling you to call me Kushina-nee!"

Itachi turned back toward the redhead and tilted his head slightly. "Uzumaki-san, please continue, we are losing optimum lighting hours. Though I would not mind if you wished to continue into non-optimum lighting conditions."

Kushina's eye twitched. "Oh, you are so going to _pay_ for that, you little bas- er, brat, dattebane!" Another two shuriken appeared in her hand as she decided it was a good time to up the difficulty of the exercise, but her wrist was grabbed before she could throw them.

"Kushina-san, thank you for watching my son today. Don't you think you should be getting home to your husband?" Mikoto asked, the death grip she had on her friend's arm belied the slightly-strained smile on her face and the polite clipped tone she used.

Kushina shrugged. "Nah, Minato doesn't get home for another hour or so. I can keep training Ita-chan until then."

Mikoto's smiling facade did not slip, but there was a brief pause and she didn't release her hold on the other woman either. "... Then perhaps you could get dinner started so it's ready for him when he gets home?"

"No way! It's his turn to cook tonight, and if he thinks he can work late and make me do it again, he's got another thing coming, dattebane!"

"Kushina."

"Hm?"

"Go home. Please."

"Oh, okay. See you next week, Ita-chan!"

With that, the redhead was off, waving farewell. Leaving Mikoto to sigh and take her son aside and explain to him that allowing Uzumaki Kushina to throw sharp objects at one's self was not generally good for one's health.


	2. Flower Fairy

**Episode Two: Flower Fairy**

**Itachi's Age: **3

Inoichi did not sigh as he set out a fresh arrangement of flowers for his shop. He'd known when he'd retired as head of the T&I department that seeking other employment would be difficult. Especially since he'd chosen to run a flower shop, of all things.

It wasn't completely random, his choice. He'd had many years experience in cultivating various herbs and plants for use in his... previous occupation, and he'd grown fond of it. A flower shop seemed a decent use of his skills that would also give him a decent occupation with which to support his new wife and, hopefully soon, family.

Unfortunately he'd underestimated the villager's reluctance to patronize a shop run by the ex-head of the Torture and Interrogation department. To say that business wasn't going well was a gross understatement. If things didn't pick up soon, he'd have to go reactivate his jounin status and take missions to support his livelihood.

It was with such thoughts in mind that he stepped outside to work on the store's exterior.

* * *

Uchiha Itachi was not entirely sure what standing outside a flower shop with bits of glue and flowerpetals stuck to his hands, hair and face had to do with 'speed training', but his babysitter, Uzumaki-san, had yet to be wrong in her methods of teaching. Unorthodox, most certainly, but never wrong. Attempting to figure out the method before it became obvious was an amusing mental exercise, at least.

So. He was instructed to stand here. Outside this shop. After Uzumaki-san had pasted bits of glue and flower petals to him. When he'd asked what he was supposed to do, she'd merely replied with a, "You'll know. Trust me, dattebane."

He still wasn't any nearer to figuring it out than he was five minutes ago when she'd left him.

His musings were interrupted by the click of the shop door being opened, and instantly his senses were alert and actively seeking out any new information that would help clarify his purpose. It didn't take very long.

When the blond man stepped out his door, it set off a tripwire connected to something -he couldn't see, it was hidden under the storefront awning- that caused a large quantity of a pale viscous liquid -glue?- to fall and coat the shopkeeper. It was shortly followed by an equally large quantity of... flower petals? And a small piece of paper.

A seal of some sort, it seemed, when it latched onto the man and sent a surge of fire chakra over the petals covering him and burnt the words clearly across his chest: "Petalpeddler, King of the Flower Fairies!"

Itachi knew it was his babysitter's handiwork, it just took him a moment to try and figure out _why_ she did it. Then the petal doused man looked up at him, at the bits of obvious evidence pasted all over him and the killing intent began to fill the air.

Ah. Yes. Speed training. Now Itachi understood. Interesting.

Without so much as a glance backward, the three-year-old turned and took off running.

* * *

Uzumaki Kushina watched with chakra enhanced eyes from her super secret place of safety (AKA Minato's office) as her self-made flower fairy and little minion ran all over the place.

"Kushina... what are you doing over there? Your evil laughter is making me nervous."

The redhead cut the chakra to her eyes and turned a not-at-all-innocent looking grin to her husband. "Nothing. Just helping Inoichi advertise his new flower shop."

Minato stared at her uncertainly. "... I thought you were babysitting for Mikoto today?"

"Oh, I'm doing that too, yeah, dattebane."

He was about to open his mouth to ask another question before thinking better of it and shaking his head. "Nevermind. I don't want to know. I want to be able to honestly plead ignorance when Fugaku comes in to complain about it."

"That's my husband," Kushina replied, smile widening as she came over to give him a peck on the cheek. "I've trained you well."

"I'm going to regret this later, aren't I?"

"Probably. I love you?"

"... I love you too."

* * *

There you go. Not as good as the first episode, I don't think, but still funny? Eh? Maybe? DX

**Story Rec: **The Sharingan Fairy by Kyong Kybis - Cracky, but highly amusing. X3

Thank you for reading!

-Py


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